“Where did you go to school?”
“Virginia Tech.”
Stumbles a bit…”I’m sorry, I can’t help it but there’s only one thing that pops into my mind when you tell me Virginia Tech.”
Trust me, I know too well.
Two days ago, seven years ago, was the date that 32 people were murdered within a football field of where I was sitting. I heard it happen; I can’t imagine having to see it or even feel it as so many others did.
It is a memory that does not disappear, one that is foggy and clear all the same and the subconscious foundation of all that I do and am. It is a conflict inside of me as it was certainly the worst day of my life, but with all humility in the world, is somehow a gift. I feel guilty for that.
I feel guilty because it is the basis of so much good that I’ve been able to surround myself with, but at the expense of 32 others who lost it all in the worst way possible. Since then, I’ve spent nearly every day deciding what is and what is not important in life, what and who it is that I want to be, and making sure I understand myself as completely as possible. It’s been extremely painful and gratifying, a rollercoaster unparalleled in physical life.
All of this self-discovery has led me to very important philosophies upon which I live. One is that everyone is a hypocrite. Two is that being selfish is not always a bad thing, as long as you know you deserve it. Three is that you should only bother surrounding yourself with people you enjoy. Four is that you have to find happiness from something inside of you because everything else can be taken away.
The truth is that everyone is alone on an island with their own brain to think and their own heart to feel. It’s frightening until you find the confidence to admit that being frightened is ok. Then all of the sudden, you have no fear.
It is a memory like the Virginia Tech tragedy that reminds me of the island I am on every single day it pops into my head. I understand how important it is to deal with it, respect it, and somehow make the loss of so many people worthwhile. I urge everyone to learn from others and to realize that your life is yours, and you should live it that way.
And then I try to write about it and, naturally, words will never suffice.
Young William Grows Old 